=== SUMMARY ===
- The post is a reaction to confusing headlines (war, Ebola, White House shooting) with the author realizing it’s Memorial Day, so markets are closed.
- No investment thesis or directional bet is presented; it’s a humorous vent about market noise.
- Quality assessment: noise — not a researched DD or serious analysis.
=== SENTIMENT ===
NEUTRAL
=== TRADE IDEAS ===
No actionable trade ideas in this post.
=== COMMENTS SUMMARY ===
The top comments are jokes and memes — one user bets the market will be flat, another makes an absurd guarantee it won’t be red. A comment notes futures are up but acknowledges markets are closed, expecting a “parabolic green” Tuesday. Overall, the community treats the post as degenerate humor, not a source of actionable ideas.